


I dived into the darkness to find light again

by Axier



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Trauma, Everyone needs a friend like Bones, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, I am the captain of this story and even I don't know where the hell we are going, I just let my mind wander too far away from everything, I'm Bad At Tagging, James T Kirk leaves the Enterprise, Lots of Original Characters - Freeform, M/M, Not really good coping mechanisms, Post-Movie(s), Tarsus IV, but don't worry only to find himself he will be back, but this a spirk one I swear, giant and complicated story, really slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-08
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-05-05 17:30:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5384258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Axier/pseuds/Axier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James T. Kirk cannot erase his own past, cannot bury his memories forever, but that doesn't mean he cannot try. <br/>The consequences belong to a different solar system. Always.<br/>He hopes. </p>
<p>Fortunately, he is not alone anymore. The whole Enterprise is there for him, even in those times when he cannot see this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Started so simply

**Author's Note:**

> Sooooo, this is my first here, please be nice!   
> I just listened to some music one evening and this little idea of a story was born. Aaaand then it grew up and took over my spaceship....I left it alone for only five minutes, I swear!!!   
> But I really missed writing, so I think I will give it a try. 
> 
> English is not my native language, and I don't have a beta (anyone?), so feel free to find my mistakes and rub them into my face! 
> 
> Anyway, welcome on board, I am Axier Koros (hahahaha, no, nothing to do with Kodos, thanks), proud, brave and perfect captain of the USS Ascendant!

It all started with that simple, short, suddenly organized but not dangerous mission. Well, they were absolutely sure nothing too bad would wait for them...   
  
Starfleet called, dropped down the mission onto them, and cancelled everything else, including a really well-deserved little break everyone wanted and planned on the beautiful moon, Claumyrh. The mood wasn't the best on the ship while they traveled through an amazingly boring part of space to the Nehada VII.   
  
The colony there called for help, urgently, but they forgot to communicate important details.   
Like the cause of the distress, how serious or big was the trouble they had, were they under attack or not, what they need so much to call Starfleet, which they hated openly and honestly during their whole seven-year-old existence.   
And James Kirk truly and deeply hated when there were missing details, important little details, making the difference between fighting for life and dropping down meds and food.   
  
And he really hated when there were no ansers for Uhura's efforts to reach the colony, and when Starfleet admitted that they really don't know more about the case.   
\- Nothing..... - he growled.   
\- Nothing indeed, Captain – came the answer from behind him with that calm, collected voice poking his already furious mind. Yes, there came the totally unnecessary and unwanted affirmation that yeah, there were no incoming calls from that boring little rock out there, no, there was nothing new, just the one and only distress call from two weeks ago....   
\- How is that possible?! - he snapped, earning confused or curious or a little worried glances from the bridge's different parts – If you are in trouble you call...and keep calling!! And all but glue yourself or someone else with a better hearing to the...forms of communication, whatever you have! You do everything to make sure somebody will come and bring the help you need! You make sure to keep the connection with them if you were lucky enough to find someone out there and they are good guys enough to come and save you! What is _wrong_ with these people?!?!   
\- Jim...maybe they aren't anymore in a condition good enough to answer – said a quiet voice on his left and he suddenly felt like he was thrown with a giant bucket of icy water. His head turned slowly to stare at his best friend, who answered with an understanding and deeply worried glance of his own.   
\- I...I see – he rasped, and gulped once. Bones said something he fought with himself desperately to **not** think about. Probably fought since Uhura confirmed that the colony wouldn't answer, that there was no sings of communication from the colony at all.   
But now he couldn't keep back the flood of memories, the terrible rampage straight from hell, dangerously close, so close he feared he might drown in it. He clutched the chair's closest part with his hand, and anchored himself to reality. He would not drown in it!! No! He left all that in the past, he survived and this would not tear apart him now! After so many years! He gasped for air a few times, closing it all in, burying it back, cause he really couldn't let it out to ruin his work and ruin him, not now, and absolutely not in front of the whole bridge. Bones stood right in front of him, only his eyes telling Jim how terrified he was for the short..episode. Jim quickly shook his head, hoped the members of the bridge wouldn't go to wild speculations about what they just saw (a little hope cannot hurt!!), and raised his voice:   
\- Sulu, let's stop this pathetic lingering! I want to reach that colony...yesterday, okay? So make our lady fly with all she's got! - he was pleased to hear his good old self-confidence in his own voice again, within the nice company of enthusiasm and cheering for everyone. Bones stepped back to his place on his left without a word, and stayed there until Alpha ended.   
  
That was the only unusual thing that day. And maybe the fact the the captain would not share a glance with anyone, only with his CMO.   
  
                                                                                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
Later, if anyone would have asked, Bones would have denied with all his heart and soul, but he had prepared himself for the worst. (Which was only a little worse than others' worst-case scenarios, and maybe a little bit overdone, and he knew most times his plans proved themselves unnecessary later, but he was the CMO of a spaceship controlled by crazy, reckless and really young people, okay? Someone had to be the adult, they literally lived in a tin can floating in space!!!) So for more than eleven days he carried a little bigger verison of his bag with everywhere with himself, filled with sedatives not really needed by his main patients and randomly asked the computer about Jim.   
Oooh yes, he had work keeping him occupied thank you very much, all the miserable survivors of that goddamn colony needed him more than he liked it with their various levels of dying from starvation. But everyone knew that. Everyone knew how worrisome was the condition of the whole group. On the other hand he was he only one on the ship who knew about Jim, therefore the only one who worried for the young captain and cared about his well-being.

And that was a responsibilty which succesfully made his guts exist in tight, diamondhard knots for more than eleven days.   
Because their captain became so closed-off and distant and official and emotionless a day after the landing party's little adventure confirmed their worst fears, even Spock started to watch him, when he thought no one could catch him doing it.   
And that was the sign for Bones to start worry for real.   
Because when Jim started to behave like this, that meant there would be no signs, no warnings, he would just collapse one day with messed-up bloodsugar and heartrate, and trembling limbs caused by too little rest and too much caffeine. So someone had to keep an eye on him. And that someone was him, because there was no one else.   
But this was the reason why he originally became the CMO of the Enterprise, so no matter how many ghosts he had to keep alive with his sheer force and nonstop checking and recalibrating and changing of IVs, he would do the job.   
Jim would not leave this world on his watch, fuck it.   
  
During the last two days of their way to the Nehada VII he hoped with everything he had in himself that the thought he had blurted out carelessly to Jim on the bridge would be nothing more but a stupid thought, and there would be a normal, comforting explanation for the chaos with the communication. Anything. They weren't that lucky.   
The scans told them a sad story, signs of an enormous ionstorm withered their hopes for an easy mission where they can do everything to help, solve every problem, save everyone and leave afterwards with the classical satisfaction of „we are the goodguys from Starfleet who did their job well”. He risked a quick glance to Jim, who stood in front of his chair, looking at the view with a cold emptiness in his eyes.   
  
\- Survivors? - he asked quietly – Someone had to send that message to Starfleet...   
\- Captain, I'm not sure....the surface is still quite difficult to scan properly...but I think the sensors found....something... - mumbled an ensign, a very young girl sitting stiffly in her chair, working hard, not letting the horror fill her (or maybe that was her coping mechanism, to try and do her best still, especially for her captain).   
\- People from the colony? - asked Jim, turning to he girl.   
\- Not sure, Captain, it is...oh! - shock appeared on her face, as she checked something again and again.   
\- Ensign...? - asked the young captain, with some forced patience.   
\- They are...underground – the blonde girl's not totally human eyes were filled with confusion and shock as she looked up – These are...they cannot be animals, and they are alive, but more than 260 meters underground.   
\- Maybe caves? - Jim stepped closer to the ensign's console, watching her work, and maybe that movement was the thing they needed, cause everybody turned back to their own work, and started to collect more data, more pictures about the colony's destroyed valley, more...anything.   
He simply walked closer to Jim's back, and listened to the brainstorming between him and the enisgn. They changed the settings of the scans again and again, trying to find a way around the buzz of interference from everything down there. Jim was really determined to find out how the colonists ended up so deep down there. They already checked the surface for any signs of an earthquake, but found none. So...how?   
\- Captain! - the vulcan's voice cut through the air like a blade.   
\- Yes, Commander? - barked back the captain with well-controlled hope.  
\- I just found a strong source of thermal energy, twenty miles away from the colony's original valley. I have to say the readings are not absolutely reliable, just as Ensign Revell stated: the surface's radiation confuses the scans, but since there are some form of water around this source, and no signs of tectonic activity are present on this part of the planet, the estimated probability of the colonists finding shelter from the ion storm underground, by following the water's way is 81.76%.   
  
Bones stared to the vulcan after his speech. There was something strange with that report....yes, he could feel it in his guts, there was definitely something unusual....but what?   
  
\- Check the surface! If it's safe enough, I want a landing party get ready in fifteen minutes! - barked Jim behind him loudly, making him jump a little – And thank you, Mr Spock!   
\- Captain, with proper equipment, the surface is suitable for a landing party, but only for a few hours – chirped in the ensign. Jim looked down to the girl.   
\- Proper equipment, Ensign? - he asked politely, not understanding the girl even a bit.   
\- The surface is too hot for humans, Captain, and even the spacesuits designed for deepspace exploring will be damaged after five or six hours of that constant heat.   
The captain's eyes widened a little at that for a second, then...   
\- Well, that's not something we can do anything about, let's prepare the shuttles for a frying! - he stated with his usual, unstoppable, passionate momentum - Spock, try to find a way to keep tabs on us, Uhura, I count on you to not loose communication with us, I will..   
\- What exactly are you saying? - he cut in, with his most threatening voice – You are not going down there, Jim! - he stated righ after. His best friend whirled around to stare at him with furious eyes.   
\- The hell I'm going! There can be survivors and we cannot transport them up! We have to go down to help, and don't tell me it will be soooo dangerous that a cap..  
\- No, I'm telling something totally different – he cut in again, not caring a bit about offending Jim with this, but he used his most patient voice now - There are very good chances the landing party's members will need treatment because of the extreme heat they will have to endure down there. Maybe even treatment for heat-shock, although I hope that will not occur.   
\- And?   
\- You are allergic to all the medication used in such cases – he deadpanned, but without showing any emotions, and silently sent a little thanks for whatever higher entity or simple luck made it possible to protect the idiot this time without making a terrible scene.   
\- Well, then...   
\- No, argument is over. And besides: it is not you who should go either way. I will go – he stated coolly.   
\- What?! Bones...   
\- Medical care will be needed down there. If nothing else, this is clear, right? That's my job, not yours, Captain – he used the title purposefully and stared down the younger man - I know what I'm doing, the risk I'm facing with is much smaller considering our health.   
  
There was a really long pause after that. But he knew he was right and Jim wasn't stupid, no matter what others thought. He had to let this mission done by others. And yeah, he won.   
\- Fine....You go, and we do whatever we can to help – Jim muttered.   
  
He only answered with a nod and left the bridge in a hurry, because he needed to pack a million things in...fifteen minutes. Great...   
Meanwhile he tried his best to erase the memory of the defeated look in his best firend's eyes when he stopped him from going down.


	2. Okay, kids, just follow the boss to Hell!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Badass Boss Bones plays the part of a grumpy Vergilius here: leader, older, braver and keeps the group together with his well-known, unique charm.  
> And still has energy to worry about a certain captain and save lifes!!  
> ((How is it possible to not love this man?!))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leonard simply stole the main character's pedestal somehow. I let him keep it (for a while).

Scotty still cursed and mumbled angrily in their helmets' comms, while he, six members from security, two of his nurses with the best emergency experiences and two ensigns from science slowly descended on he rocky path next to the boiling water. The chief engineer didn't like the plan at all. Not the part where both of the shuttles capable of flying (at the moment) needed an emergency remodeling within the shields to provide protection from the heat, neither the part when he was told he had to do it in ten, or maybe fifteen minutes, and he extremely hated the idea of going down too, but at the end he had to join the landing party to make sure they wouldn't mess up something in his precious work and die in blazing flames of the overheated machines.   
Their timers showed only 30 minutes of their time passed, but Bones had to admit, that in the heavy spacesuits (Scotty's idea, because he didn't have the time to come up with something better and the doctor approved it immediately) it felt like hours. The rocks were slippery under them, thanks to the heat steam filled the air making it harder to see, their path was only a narrow, flat part of rocks next to the giant underground river....and communication started to get difficult three miuntes ago.   
At first, when they landed with the shuttles as close to Spock's „strong source of thermal energy” as it was possible, everybody felt hope. A huge cave's opening was the source, it's diameter was over three-hundred feets, an underground river finding it's way to the surface through it. Thanks to the overheated surface the water evaporated as soon as it left the cave, but at least they could know for sure: there had to be water for the people down there, which was a plus when estimating their chances to survive.   
Another thing added to their hopes when they left the shuttles and neared the cave: on the left side of the river there was a pathway, following back the water's way to the darkness, cut into the rocks, or onto them, creating the little flat part for anyone, and making it possible for them to try and go down.  
When he reported back all of this to the ship, it was obvious how hopeful Jim became, just like them, but it wouldn't have been him , if he hadn't warned them to hurry, but stay cautious. He didn't even answer to that, not really, just snorted, and ended the call. 

 

The last touches of light disappeared behind them long ago (more than two hours ago), and Bones started to worry about their way back, when one of the science officers suddenly demanded silence. Here the river was much smaller and didn't create many sounds, so after a few seconds of standing there, in the darkness, next to the quietly whispering waves in the steamy hell, only seeing what their little helmet-lamps could show them in their little circles of light....it was so freaking eerie Bones couldn't help but snapped:  
\- What is it, Lieutenant? We don't have much time to waste!!  
\- I am sorry, Dr McCoy, but I heard something. It wasn't the river. I am one-hundred percently sure. But my tricorder got wet hours ago, and I have problems with checking thi area – came the apologetical, but firm answer.  
\- I see. Here, use mine! - he answered quickly, passing his tricorder to the officer's hands. First he was really impressed by the kid. No doubt, the training of Spock can do miracles with someone to stay collected in stressful situation – he guessed. Then he wanted, oh, wanted so much to say that it's basical to keep the equipment in good shape through a landing mission, but he dropped the issue, cause the lieutenant worked like a maniac with his tricorder, and maybe it was only his very own, medical training which made him protect his tricorder from everything like it was his own child: a doctor without his tricorder is almost like a vulcan without pointy ears and annoying comments all the time – he guessed.  
\- There. Something organic, but I cannot find out more – the young man pointed into a deep corner not far on their left, and something in his eyes made Bones pull out his phaser. Hadn't they lost contact with the Enterprise, this would have been the time to report. But they had, so Bones ordered the security members to raise their phasers, although switch it to stun, and then they all started to carefully climb closer to the rock formation, hiding whatever the lieutenant found.   
He was the first to see...that. One of the science officers started to gag, one of the security officers stumbled upon his own feet from the shock, anoher one cursed.   
A humanoid being lied on the ground in front of them. It was impossible to tell the gender, and Bones could only guess the age. The form was unnaturally white, the clothes covering the body in a clumsy, pathetic way, the only movements were uncertain, little ups-and-downs of the chest, blond hair covering most of the face.  
But the thing that shook all of them to the core was how thin the form was. It looked like a skeleton, covered by skin. The wrist which they could see was too bony, the veins on it drawing a sickening pattern around the structure of the joint.   
And the form's belly was a big, roundish thing, telling Bones the miserable person's struggling to eat whatever he or she could find, not caring anymore what it would do the inner parts of a human being.   
It all happened in a few heartbeats. Then he found himself kneeling next to the...creature, checking vital signs, carefully turning it to it's back, finding out „the creature” was a human male, and his nurses – bless them!- were already on his sides, giving him a tricorder, preparing infusion, two hyposprays with the meds he wanted but now didn't need to ask for, steadying the man's position and head.   
\- We have to find out if he is alone or not! - he shouted to the others – Start checking the nearby environment, everyone in pairs, don't go too close to the river and stay within hearing!  
\- Doctor...he is coming around – whispered Nurse Clordren in amazement.   
They started the infusion only seconds ago.   
\- Mister! Mister, can you hear me? - Bones asked slowly the man, in a loud, firm voice.  
\- Yes – came the whispered answer, but he couldn't focus with his eyes, couldn't even open them well. Bones quickly leaned closer.   
\- Are you alone?   
\- No – came a desperate whisper and the figure shuddered – No, I'm not alone! Please...save us... - he became more and more agitated with each word.  
\- Please calm down! We are from Starfleet, we came to help! - Bones told him quickly, but from the corner of his eyes he saw Nurse Morel's warning glance. He didn't have much time, they had to knock the man out and send him back to the shuttles. He asked one last question:  
\- Can you tell me where can we find the others?   
\- Ye...yeah...deeper...down...down... - rasped the nameless man, then lost consciousness in a heartbeat.  
\- Doctor his vitals aren't very good – told him one of the nurses in alarm – We should take him back to the Enterprise really quick!   
\- Is there anything why we should not move him? Broken bones? Internal bleeding? - he had to make sure.   
\- No, sir.  
\- Okay, then, Ensign Roberts! Lieutenant Harrhoyan! Take this man back to the shuttles, Nurse Morel will go with you! Tell Mr Scott we're going down deeper to see if there are other survivors still alive. Tell him he should send a report to the Enterprise about the guy's condition, cause we will need to find a friendly planet with really good hospitals or the nearest space station of the 'Fleet if there are more people in similar condition! Tell him to be ready to fly back to the Enterprise immediately, after we arrive back to the shuttles too!   
\- Sir, please consider waiting for us to come back! - told him the lieutenant he decided to send with the colonist – Going forward might turn out to be dangerous and there will be less people to help!   
Bones really wanted to tell the officer to do how he was told and don't question his decision, but the lieutenant was honestly worried, so he sighed and answered:  
\- If the others look the same, I don't think they can mean any danger to us, Lieutenant, and we will keep an eye on each other anyway. Don't worry, we will be cautious not to fall into the river either! The spacesuits will give up in a few hours, so it's not like we can go for hours again. Tell Mr Scott to bring closer the shuttles to the cave, and make sure to cover this survivor with the thermal blankets before stepping out with him!  
After his last order he simply turned his back to the trio he decided to send back, and started his journey to the next level of Hell.   
After another ten minutes he knew they would be in trouble. He was covered in sweat, the rocky path under them became more and more unreliable, with less and less flat surfaces and more and more slippery, uneven rocks which moved under them when they stepped onto them.   
\- Doctor, the spacesuits will stop working as our shields from heat in less then two hours! - warned him one of the sciense officers. He nearly cursed after hearing that, not just because that meant more heat, more sweat, more suffering in this hellhole, but because he totally forgot about the two officers after the colonist. Maybe he should have send them back as well.  
\- Thanks – he muttered, then asked the question he had to ask – Can you find any signs of others? Is it possible that the one from earlier was the only one who made it?   
\- It is really hard to tell, Doctor McCoy – admitted the Lieutenant who found the first survivor, after sharing a glance with his colleague – It is clear that there are other...organic materials somewhere deeper down, ahead of us, but even wihout the interference from the surface, our tricorders are making mistakes again and again with estimating the distance between us and them. And we don't know if they are still alive or not – he finished with a shameful shadow in his voice and on his face.   
\- Well, it's still good to know that there is something. Thank you for the report, Lieutenant, nobody could do more wih such circumstances – he tried to be the supporting leader of their group, but he knew he wasn't James Kirk.


	3. Dammit, kid!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While you are in a mission, you can see things you might never forget.   
> But if you are a member of Starfleet, you have to do your best even then.   
> Especially if there is someone you have to stay strong for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leonard still has his pedestal, he will stay a real hero in this story, this story is still about James T Kirk, it's still not McKirk, and I admit that my first three chapters were originally one chapter, so after this one....even I don't know where the hell we are going! 
> 
> Oh, by the way, I write this at night, so please forgive me for stupid mistakes, sometimes I'm tired.

Another thirty minutes, two almost-diving-into-the-deathly-river, and one totally ruined tricorder later Bones decided to give up. They would have to find a different way to save the other colonist, or even better: they would have to find a way to scan the river's cave from the Enterprise to find out if another landing party's misery would worth it...or not....  
He started talking while was stepping onto a little bit more stable, bigger rock:  
\- Okay, everyone, come here, and sit down! It's better on this one. We will have a break, check the last tricorder's readings one more time, then we will leave here everything what is not really needed and every damaged equipment, and we will go back to the shuttles. I..  
He couldn't finish it.   
Probably thanks to his raised voice, sounds emerged from the darkness, just from behind the rock they all stood now. Horrific, heartbreaking, not-really-human sounds. Crying, screaming, whining in a hellish cacophony. Everyone stared into the sounds' direction, the two science officers ready to run away, the security members getting their phasers in their hands quickly.   
He couldn't blame them. He was sure this horror would haunt him until his dying day.  
But he had to stay strong. He reaised his hands in a peaceful gesture, and raised his voice once more:  
\- Everyone, calm down! This is why we are here, got it? I'll go and check them, security, follow me! Others stay here – he told firmly to the nurse, who was ready to follow him.  
At least she didn't argue with him, just nodded shortly.   
After a few steps on the big rock he could see their path doing a sudden turn and that's why they couldn't see what was ahead of them. He cursed when he realized how narrow the place where he had to step became. The security officers wanted to go ahead, right before him, but he was afraid of their anxiety. The unsafe rocks were their only way out. One accidental shot to a bad spot and they will be really and truly and deeply screwed. So he shook his head, drew out his phaser as well, took a huge breath, and stepped onto the narrowest part, then turned with the path...  
Nothing could have prepared them for the sight.   
Bodies, white, skeleton-like bodies everywhere in the huge cave in front of them, with the same roundish, disgusting abdominal sight and too big clothes for the destroyed forms. Many of them, too many, didn't move. But some of them even turned their heads to stare at them, with too big, unnatural eyes in their skull-looking faces. Their eyes didn't seem to be human anymore. Too empty, too primitive somehow, filled with desperation and the feeling of loss, beyond imagination.   
They were begging without words, opening their lips to force out sounds which were so unnatural to hear from humans - even the doctor shuddered. But only once.   
\- Everybody start selecting! - he barked a loud order to the security members. All of them stared at him, not moving an inch.  
\- What?! - he demanded, already planning their next hours and days with these...creatures...  
\- What should we select, sir? - asked one of them slowly, his voice filled with terror.  
\- Those ones which are still alive. Bring them closer, and put the corpses...there – he answered quietly and then he pointed to a side where wasn't any movement anyway. Only then his teammates seemed to understand how tragic the numbers were...  
He climbed back to the science officers and used his best commanding voice:  
\- Hurry back to the shuttles. We will need more people. Bring down everyone from Medbay and call everyone down from the medical staff who isn't on duty too. This is a serious emergency. Tell the captain that I will need many crewmembers with strong arms. Send down all the infusion which can help a human with serious malnutrition! Go!  
He didn't stay long enough to see what they did after his orders. He dragged his nurse after himself, helping her with their equipment and the dangerous turn in the path.   
The two of them couldn't do much in the end. They gave sedatives for the first dozen, than painkillers for the next dozen, then nothing, because they didn't have enough medication for everybody. He found himself doing the same thing he ordered the security officers to do. He made Nurse Clordren stay with the survivors they collected and brought to the front of the cave out from the....mass. They didn't have more than one tricorder, so she could do the checking alone, there was nothing he could help with in that. She was good at keeping an eye on those they could help with drugs at the beginning too.   
The hardest part wasn't the physical part. The remaining colonists were so light it wasn't exhausting to lift one up and bring it under the nurse's watch. Again and again and again.   
No. Realizing how many dead people lied on the ground around one surviving every time...Making the feather-weight people let him go when they reached the nurse, making them understand that they wouldn't be left there to die, making them release their weak but so desperate grip on his arms every time....  
That was the thing that started to strangle him.   
Later he found out that they didn't have to do this alone for a long time, however, it had felt like they got stucked in an endless, nightmarish pocket of lost time.   
Maybe one and a half hour was it for real.   
Suddenly his beloved medical staff flooded the cave, fighting back tears, gasps, nausea, and his little army started to do the real work. They brought the infusion he needed and painkillers, sedatives, even two small oxygen-generators, with more than two dozens of masks for them. Which Nurse Clordren, the original four from security and he himself used first, when they spacesuits started to give up.   
And of course all of them got a chance to use a dry, unharmed tricorder.   
He really loved these people.   
They stabilized every survivor in the next three hours. After the first waves of crazy, rushing work for the lives of the critical ones, they found an opportunity to count them. And those who passed away.   
Out from the original 302 colonists, now they had 67. 68, if they counted the first one, already on board.   
Bones started to feel very, very, very old.

******************************************  
With almost one hundred crewmembers from the Enterprise (later he was told all of them volunteered to help) it wasn't really hard to bring out the pathetic bodies from the cave. And after Scotty found a way to expand the shuttles' shields, they could simply bring them in their arms to the shuttles. The numbers weren't really nice to them, cause it was impossible to cram more than ten people into a shuttle at once, since with every group of colonists they needed to send members of the medical staff too, so that meant almost four turns with both shuttles just to bring the survivors on board. Then came the volunteers from the crew.   
Scotty was grumpy and snapped easily at everyone when the last round finally arrived, probably because he saw more than enough dying colonists for a lifetime, and he had to figure out how to get enough energy for the expanded shields down on the surface, then enough energy to bring back everyone safely to the Enterprise, and repeat this many...many times.

Bones simply grabbed his shoulder once, shook him a little, and left the shuttle with which he came back to the Enterprise without a word. He really hoped the engineer could understand him and realize how grateful he was.

When he arrived at his Medbay, he just looked around, saw these unnatural, half-dead creatures in the beds, and he could do nothing. His very soul cried with exhaustion, and he could still hear the echoes of that first wave of screams from the darkness of the giant cave.  
They didn't think about the dead ones' fate just left them there, because no one had the energy to do so. But maybe they would have to.   
Well, of course, first they had to save the lives of these, who could have a chance still.   
As far as he could see each one got infusion, everyone was safe, and he could start to think about a report to Jim, and a plan to keep him as far from the Medbay as it was possible for the troublemaker. One of the nurses pushed a steamy cup into his hands, and he gratefully drank the hot coffee slowly, walking around and checking everything he thought he had to.  
'I wonder if the kid sees and hears such things in his nightmares...' he thought suddenly, and shuddered.   
Then his communicator beeped.  
\- McCoy!  
\- Doctor, I wanted to tell you that most of the reports arrived from the members of the landing party, at least from science and security. There are many things to talk about in a later debriefing, but at this moment the Captain and I both agreed that we should let the medical members have a rest, and since we could understand the situation clearly enough from these reports, yours won't be needed until tomorrow. The work was done the most adequate way, I might add – came the logical, monoton voice from his device.  
'Woah, did he just told me....was this some kind of appreciation? And about this mess? Idiot..' he thought, but he forced out a dry response:  
\- Thank you, Mr Spock.  
\- I wanted to inform you so the Captain's arrival won't be misunderstood at Medbay. He wished to see you and the colonists, and talk to you, naturally, but not about your missing reports. There will be no reprimand, I assure you, Doctor.  
He felt his blood turning into ice at that.  
\- WHAT?! - he yelled into his comm – He is coming down here?!?!  
\- Yes, doctor, and I cannot see why you...  
\- Goddammit!!! - he cursed, and then turned to the sound of the opening door, knowing well that he was too late to do anything.  
Jim stepped in, with a huge smile on his face for his best friend, then he caught the sight of the people filling the Medbay's beds, he froze on that very spot, and Bones only had enough time to threw away his communicator and cup from his hands to catch his collapsing captain in time.  
\- Dammit, kid....dammit – he whispered in a broken voice, then started pulling the unconscious younger man with himself, despite his exhaustion not letting him fall, and tried his best to avoid his very own panic when he felt Jim's heartrate soaring into heaven while he held the other againt himself with all the remnants of his strength.


	4. The consequences of having a mouth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you can do miracles by such a simple thing as talking to another....and sometimes not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, first of all: it's still hard to believe so many gave a chance to this fic already. Thank you! 
> 
> Happy Holidays for everyone! 
> 
> We will soon reach the darker parts of space, so get ready! 
> 
> AVirtoMusae deserves a few million "Thank you" cards for the unbelievable job - saving me from my own maddening mistakes as my new beta!

“That was the reason why I went down! I'm not a huge fan of playing the hero or whatever! I don't like action! I don't like to be in the middle of the exciting, adventurous, challenging things always happening here! I really hate risks! I said you should not come down. I voted against your coming because a damn doctor was needed down there and because I trusted in you to keep an eye on him!” Bones snarled and glared again and again while he was whirling in his own head, with anger and panic doing their little tango in there, and he himself whirled around Jim's biobed, trying to find out what'd just happened. The Vulcan was standing behind him without saying a word or moving a centimeter since his arrival in Medbay.

Bones had to admit it (strictly only to himself) that the time between throwing away his communicator and a certain Vulcan's dashing into Medbay had been impressively short. And after that there had been, naturally, the logical, official-sounding, but still quite demanding questions about Jim (which were easy to handle, who did this green-blooded hobgoblin think he was speaking to?).   
But then this silent staring, standing out of his way, but still being there for Jim, without any sassy, infuriating remarks, without reacting to his anger, without showing out how illogical this or that was, and without...yeah....yeah, he saw that right: the eyebrows weren't even moving....  
This behavoiur was so not normal, Bones started to feel a little uneasy.  
'What the hell....?' he thought.   
But he couldn't stay on that train of thoughts because Jim started to stir on the bed. 

“Hey, kid, hey, easy!” he instructed more calmly, keeping Jim down on the bed with one hand on his shoulder. 

“Bones . . .The colonists. . .“ came a hoarse answer - not a really intelligent one, but at least Jim's eyes were focusing on him and it was obvious what he wanted. 

“Don't worry about them! They will be fine. All of them get the proper meds and treatment. Don't worry!” He slammed down his yeah-I'm-sure-I'm-the-doctor-so-it's-soo-official, almost-professional answer on Jim with his best shushing voice. 

“They . . .looked . . .Bones . . .” At the end, Jim's voice ended up as a whimper, and the doctor really hated how his vitals changed suddenly, according to the biobed's monitors. 

“It will be alright. It's alright. It's alright,” he told Jim and then stabbed him in the neck with a hypospray. 

Jim fell asleep immediately, and for a few minutes, Bones and Spock just stood next to his bed in silence.   
Bones couldn't be sure, of course, but he thought they both had reasons to hate this situation. It bore horrifying resemblance to another situation with a biobed, a sleeping Jim, and the duo standing there as guards and waiting. 

“I hoped you understood it. That you should not let him near the colonists. That you should look after his reckless ass while I'm away, trying to do my best to keep him away and make him feel reassured that the mission is done,” he told the Vulcan quietly, keeping out emotions from his voice, and not turning to face him. 

“I did not understand, and although I find apologies unnecessary and illogical, I would likely serve you with one, doctor, if I were capable of understanding why you find me responsible for this condition of the Captain” came the really cold answer. 

After hearing that, he turned and he felt blazing anger in his whole body and mind and soul.   
“You . . . you . . . you heartless, insensible, dumb, cold-blooded bastard!” he hissed and felt like only one wrong reaction from the Vulcan, and he would harm this sick, pathetic man in front of him. No, he couldn't even call him “man” in his mind because that would have surely meant something human.

“If this was a weak effort to offend me, doctor, then I have to —” 

“Shut up! Just shut up! Are you really that dumb? Can you really not make the connection with that most-beloved, superior mind of yours?!” he was back to hissing because he just couldn't find his vocal cords to shout.

“Connection of what?” came a cool answer, and then, then he saw it in those almost-human eyes. Spock really didn't understand it.

“But . . . okay, your kind is not into emotions, but you can guess things, can't you? It is perfectly logical too,” he answered, turning from furious to confused. 

“I don't understand what you are trying to make me see,” came another cold answer, this time . . . a little wary of the unknown. 

“Oh, the hell you don’t! That's impossible even if you really live without any kind of a heart,” he lifted one of his hands to stop the speech about an illogical statement before the start, „to not see that these people would remind Jim of...." - and then, too late of course, he understood it, all this confusion, in a second. And he felt his heart froze in his chest thanks to something more lethal than the worst Cardassian poisons.   
Fear. 

“Doctor?” came a careful question into his haze from somewhere. He looked up into the Vulcan's eyes and knew it at once. He said too much. The Vulcan really didn't know. Jim didn't tell him. But now there was suspicion. In those intelligent eyes there was suspicion and determination to find out what was hidden from them. 

******

When he woke up, Jim knew two things and felt a third:   
(1) he was in his own bed in his quarters,   
(2) he wasn't alone – the things he knew, and   
(3) something terrible had happened – the thing he felt.   
He slowly sat up, fighting back the dizziness, and checked his chronometer. Still more than seven hours until Alpha started. He tried to recall what had happened to him, but everything was hazy.  
After two failures, he successfully stood up, congratulated himself, and started a brave voyage to his bathroom. On his way there, he realized he probably had gotten too comfortable around Bones during their time in the Academy as a result of the shared room, because he only found it surprising to see his best friend sleeping in his room on his couch after his eyes had swept over him two or three times.

He stopped at that and stared for awhile, but then his biology called him more urgently, and he stepped into the bathroom instead of thinking — or trying to do that.

He was clean and a little bit more himself when he came back. A grumpy Bones was already awake and waiting for him - and probably ready by now to growl at him too. 

“So . . . how are you?” came a normal question - with a look that tried to X-ray his very soul. 

“Okay, I guess,” he told him with a shrug.

“Okay . . .you guess?!” and that was the alarming calmness before the storm. Jim knew it too well. 

“Hey, Bones, it wasn't really my intention to faint in front of everyone there at Medbay!” he snapped defensively.

“You don't say,” deadpanned the other with a typical, sour bitch face.

“Yeah . . . Look, I didn't mean to do anything stupid or worrying or whatever you think. I wanted to talk to you! That's all. Why are you staring at me like that? I couldn't do anything about it; it just happened! And I know it's a mess, but really, what can I do about that now?!” he honestly had had enough of that stare.

“Calm down, kid, I'm not really the man who worries for your reputation as the commanding officer here! I worry for you. Look, Jim.” He suddenly looked uncomfortable “I know what those guys down at Medbay remind you of, and I don't know how to help with that — other than hypospraying you into the next week, of course, but I have a feeling you don't really want that. So I am, the CMO of this ship, your friend and the only man who knows about your past, still just a man who doesn't have the slightest idea of how to help.” And now there was concern and helplessness in his voice and eyes.

“Hey, Bones, come on, this is not that serious!” started Jim immediately after seeing this, with his giant comforting smile and reassuring words, “ I'm fine! Don't look at me like that! I .... yeah —” he had to gulp once “— I wasn't totally prepared mentally for those people, that's true. But....well, I fucked it up, and now it's over, I'll simply stay away from Medbay as long as they’re there. Problem solved! That's all. Don't worry about me ‘cause it's not that bad! I'm okay. I won't do that again, pinky-promise and all! And maybe it's already too late for my reputation.”

Bones just glared at the shit-eating grin covering Jim's face. Then sighed.   
“I hope that's the truth. I don't want to see that ever again. Watching James Kirk going down is something I’ve had enough already,” he added quietly.

“Hey, stop! I'm okaaay!” he whined and searched for an idea desperately to change the subject. “How long you had me as your hostage? Did I miss something important?”

“Ask the hobgoblin, I dunno that! But you were out for almost six hours. I brought you back here with two ensigns from security after I convinced your heart to stay in your chest and work at a human speed,” answered the doctor still with some melancholy in his voice.

“You don't look so good either” Jim commented.

“I played the role of the epic hero just hours ago down there, and then the role of the epic doctor up here! I have every damn right to look however I look, kid!” snapped Bones angrily, who then leaned back into Jim's couch. “Are you sure you're doing well?” he looked again into the electric blue eyes with a searching gaze.

“I will tell you if I’m not,” Jim promised quietly.

“'Kay . . . .” 

“I think I’ll check on Spock. I remember I ran down to Medbay near the end of Alpha, so . . . that means . . . it shouldn't be a problem to visit him.” He tried to estimate the chances of finding Spock in his room.

“I guess he's still in his beloved lab with one of his fantastic and exciting experiments,” grumbled Bones, with enough sarcasm to fill an ocean. 

“ Yeah, sure.” He turned to his closet to get dressed.

“Jim, I've got to tell you something,” came a quiet sentence after a short pause, and it was filled with regret. The young Captain stepped out from the little place half-dressed and stepped closer. It scared him when Bones talked like that.

“What is it, Bones-y? You know you can tell me anything. Did you fall in love with Chapel? No problem, I believe wonderful Medbay-kids will be the outcome! Especially with your wonderful personality . . . But you won't leave the Enterprise, right? You knoooow I can’t live without youuu!” he tried to ease the mood . . . quite pathetically.

“Jim, please,” huffed the other man, covering his face with his palm for a few seconds, “It's about Spock, actually.”

“What is it?!” Now he was stressed!

“Jeeez, nice, it's good to know where your heart really is!” he said with some sarcasm, but then quickly continued, “When you were at Medbay, he did a little marathon and came down after you. We were talking on the comm when you arrived, so he probably heard something happened to you. Anyway, after he arrived, I was mad at him for letting you come there and I scolded him quite . . . aggressively . . . And he didn't understand why I blamed him so much. So, and please keep in mind I was furious and worried, I said that he should have known what would it do to you to see the colonists. And because he still didn't understand anything, I told him something like . . . like all that would remind you of....something . . . .” he finished in a quite clumsy way.

“What?! Bones, what exactly you told him?!” Jim's voice was filled with alarm.

“Hey, it's not that bad! I talked at first like he knew everything just as well as I myself. So I really didn't go into details. And before I could say the name, I realized how wrong I was. So, he didn't get a chance to hear anything . . . important . . . But I think he knows now that we keep back something from him,” he admitted quietly, “I'm sorry, Jim. I was so sure you'd told him . . . ” And it was obvious that Bones deeply regretted all that. But Jim felt scared.

“Don't . . . don't worry, Bones, I can’t blame you,” he forced out a few words. When a tight grip appeared on his arms to pull him out from his thoughts, he looked to his friend, who searched his eyes again with that intense, oh-no-don't-bullshit-me look.

“Jim?”

“I just . . . I don't want anyone to know it. Tarsus was . . . Hell. It changed everything. I don't want people guessing how would I be now if all of that hadn't happened. I don't want them to try and figure out how it changed me. I don't want Spock estimate the percentages of how much of my craziness comes from a broken mind from the past.”

“Hey, it's not like that! I really doubt he, with all his mighty Vulcan-ness, can find out anything. If you don't want him to know, he will never know it,” grumbled Bones with comforting warmth in his voice.

“I hope . . . .”

“But you can't keep it as a secret forever.”

“Hey, you just said —” 

“I know what I said, believe me. And of course it should be you who makes the decision, and not a screwed up mishap on my behalf. You are the one who decides who can know about it and who cannot, yes. But it cannot stay this way forever, Jim. What if something happens to me? I'm not complaining about my role in your life! No. But this is a heavy responsibility especially because I know I'm the only one with it on this ship. And it worries me. Who would you turn to if you wouldn't have me?” Jim stared at him like he'd just admitted to a giant massacre of dozens of puppies.

“Well, just sayin’. You should think about this,” he told the younger one, letting him go.

“You will be always be here, so neither of us has to worry about that. And I will be fine. That's the deal, okay?” Jim told Bones in a quite childish voice when he turned to get his things and leave. He turned back at that. And of course he had to smile even if it was a little tired.

“Yeah, sure . . . .”

But when Jim turned away to finish getting dressed Bones knew for sure: the kid was hiding a few megatons of terror and fear behind a matching amount of translucent bullshit.   
At least, it was translucent for one man on their floating tincan . . . .

And so, his eleven days of “I'm absolutely ready for whatever mess falls upon us from any direction with any kind of origin and intention and outlook and intensity, AND I can keep an eye on my Captain at the same time without a break perfectly well” began.


	5. Shake it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Space. Huge. Endless!! Empty (more or less).  
> Why not try something wild and free here???

The kid was an idiot. A real idiot. Idiot of the century. A genius maybe, according to many, but still: Bones knew better, knew the core, the real image, the truth....and Jim was an idiot.  
  
The doctor was still grumbling in the empty turbolift, because of more-or-less two hundred valid reasons. Mostly because he was worried for his best friend, then the weakest ones of their horrific half-dead group wasn't doing well, then the fact that we hadn't had any real sleep and today seemed to be just like any other days, aaaand so on...and on......  
  
Still. Mostly Jim. He had told the kid to sleep at least eight hours! The quality of McCoy memory was good. Which meant he couldn't just imagine their little bickering from last night, when he had argued like a firebreather to convince Jim to rest!  
They had saved the colonists three days ago. Jim had become more and more reckless and strange during this time. And now Bones really found it exhausting to always keep an eye on the crazy Captain, for all of their sakes at this point...  
  
And of course Jim had to get up two hours earlier, of course he had to slip back to the bridge and of course had to....plan something...crazy...Yes. Definetly. This was Jim Kirk, for Heaven's Sake! When he wasn't up to something? Especially when he was without supervision, and after a huge trauma.  
Bones could only be glad for his wonderful team and their caution. They had found out about Jim's presence on the bridge and they immediately had called him. Bless them!  
He fought back a yawn and planned to use his strongest glare at the kid. Full force.  
  
And then all that planning flew out the lock-gate.  
  
An alarmingly cheerful Jim flooded out from the comm:  
\- Attention crew! This is Captain Kirk! Let me inform you about some unexpected happenings coming up in the next few minutes! This is not an emergency! But we are about to try out a new plan for emergencies! This manoeuvre is a completely new one! Mr Sulu had been working on it for months! Now, after all the needed calculations was done, we can see it's worth in practice! This is a final check and we can all take part in creating a new fighting move for Starfleet, which is quite exciting, right? Get ready for something amazing! - it was impressive how easily Jim could make others feel his enthusiasm, even Bones started to really think about the outcome if this, but then he had to realize why Jim could think about such a thing as a warning and the doctor paled.  
\- I repeat: this is not an emergency, only a test flight! Thanks for your attention! - came a much more collected ending.  
\- I swear to God, Jim! - snarled Bones and moved quickly to the comm, to yell at the genius-idiot.  
He never got there.  
  
  
Later, during the afternoon, after watching the recordings from the space probes they had thrown out earlier, Bones had to admit: he was impressed.  
The new trick was really clever. The main thing was speed and then a really-really well-timed usage of the Theiviviel-waves in the shields. Every ship had them, but they were weak. And unreliable.  
  
But Sulu had thought different.  
  
And he had been right.  
  
And Bones could still hear his excited blabbering clearly in his mind, long after the lecture: _„Take a ship, make it fly faster and faster, and keep the growth of speed, while you take a quite classial sling around a bigger object. Not much bigger, you really need to get rid of it's gravitation quickly at the end of the U-turn, but it has to be big enough to help you do a real sling! When you just get free, so the gravitation's effects on the shields end up, still keep the speed, but in that very moment twist the ship around it's horizontal centerline! Only a few degrees! If the twist was small enough and the speed was stable and the timing was correct, the Theiviviel-waves, for a few seconds, will be focused on the front of the ship! Stable presence for seconds!”_  
  
Of course Bones hadn't understood why this could cause maniac grinning on nearly everyone (at least from engineering and science). Then Jim had told him that this would mean the special waves would protect the ship's front from nearly everything, like another ship's attack, and they could fire back with everything during that time freely!  
Shields would stay on, with much less weakening than normally, and from terrified, escaping ship, they could turn into merciless beast on the battlefield!  
Yes. Bones admitted that the whole thing was really clever and all the calculations behind it looked like a nightmare. Or miracle. Or both.  
And the Enterprise's wonderful flight and the hellish turning around the asteroid they had found...beautiful!  
  
But the doctor could not hold back a clearly affirmative grunt, when Jim quietly admitted, just between the two of them, sitting on his couch in his office, that this had been a foolish thing to do.  
While Bones was resetting the younger one's broken wrist.  
McCoy had to agree. Not only because of a - **long** \- list of things Jim told him about. Like: the new move would hardly be useful in real combats, because not all of the ships had a Chekov to help their Sulus with the calculations (Now, after mentioning him, Bones could remember too: the young navigator smiling in the group of the bridge-crew with the force of a supernova, from time to time chirping in the correct numbers to Sulu's details, like „3.467 seconds!”), not to mention how quickly they had to work in real battles and the special waves' usage required absolutely perfect calculations, without any kind of mistakes, not just really quick calculations. Or there was the fact that not every battles happened near asteroids, with the proper size, or any kind of things with the proper size to help the ships do the turn with all the needed details. Or how easily could the pilot twist the ship in the wrong second or the wrong length...And smaller ships than the Enterprise wouldn't have the needed strength in their engines to create strong enough Theiviviel-waves...bigger ones would probably never find a thing in space which would be small and string enough to help them with it's gravitation to do the new move..Well, unless somebody found out how to do a sling around a small black hole, maybe...  
  
Bones nodded and grunted along, like a good sympathising friend, while Jim mumbled his thoughts out, and the doctor decided that all these realistic wake-up-calls would be enough of a punishment, no need for yelling.  
And, of course, Jim wasn't blind, so the other reason why they had to agree about the foolishness of this little 'unexpected happening' was painfully obvious. And a valid reason for Bones to not start yelling.  
  
Even for someone like Jim Kirk it was a perfectly logical reason to feel regret and give up an idea, when half of the crew needed medical help thanks to their frenzied ship nearly shattering them to death, then throwing them around and to the walls like they get stuck in a giant coctail shaker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a small something I threw together. I wanted it.  
> (Although I really want to write more about how freely ships can move out there.) 
> 
> Anyway: I can't tell how shocked I am to see how many checked this piece. It is an amazing feeling. Thanks!  
> And sorry for disappearing. I had...a bad summer. Problems with my university, then problems with my family, now problems with the start of the semester (I am not rested, I don't want this, I am not ready and I worry for everything because this will be a really hard time now for me) and health in the family.  
> I wanted to tell, if there is anybody interested, that I had written a few chapters for this story before I left. They are good. Now I only have to work on building bridges between those chapters and where are we now..and then...go on, I guess....  
> It's just: I think because of this summer, there will be effects of my mood on this story. I regret it and I hope I can keep back myself from ruining it *sigh*................................  
> It is hard to grasp again the original feeling. 
> 
> And this is un-beta-d. After all the happenings with me, I had to realize that it is impossible for me to work with this normally, so we let it go.  
> So: all mistakes are mine, sorry about them, there will be probably more in the future.
> 
> And one more thing:  
> A.Y. will stay the Chekov of my stories forever.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "My heart sits on the twig of nothing,  
> its little body shivering, dumb.  
> In calm unbroken gathering,  
> staring, staring, the stars come."
> 
> \- József Attila: Without Hope (translation: Morgan, Edwin)

A quite young human being, and a really young captain too by the way, was sitting alone in front of his sleeping area's window. Embraced by loneliness and silence.

His day had been almost boring with all the normal tasks going on smoothly and nothing had broken the calm flow of routines. Everyone had been satisfied.  
And Jim Kirk had no right to feel differently.  
Except...all the agitation which had been cheving on him, on his nerves and on his heart, stronger and stronger by each passing day. Or hour.  
And earlier that day it had reached a point where Jim had wished for a really strong drink or a chance to scream from the top of his lungs and run. Run until exhaustion would make him unable to keep going. Run until he would not be able to see anything from his past, his life, when he would take a chance and look back.  
Three colonists had started to show signs of giving up. Bones himself had come up to give him personally the PADD with his own reports. His best friend had known how it had had all the power in itself to destroy him. And probably had wanted to see him after getting the bad news and offer the younger one comfort - or just check his mental state. Who could know for sure with Bones? And Jim had almost asked for help from him, even if that could have meant a hypo or being banned from doing...well...quite everything on a spaceship.  
But then...he hadn't. He had seen how Spock watched them like a hawk (or something more freaky predatory thing from Vulcan) and that had reminded him that...the Enterprise would, or at least could, end up in trouble. Without him. An officer relieved from duty because of possible psychiatric problems wouldn't get a chance to just come back. Even with his whole wild case making him end up on Delta Vega his chances to come back hadn't been that hopeless back then, like they would be by Bones's intervention!  
Oh, he had seen how Bones wished to do something, anything, to help! It had been written all over the older man's face. They both had been suffering since the colonists' dying group had joined the team.  
And of course that had been just another thing added to the pile, guilt for worrying Bones, just another weight on him.  
He had quickly dismissed the CMO, then he had done his best to not glare at his second-best-friend-and-first-officer and with clenched teeth he had thrown himself into working. Anything to keep his mind occupied.  
That had been the exact point where his plans had fallen. Nothing had happened all day. Even with digging out old, absolutely unimportant tasks, he couldn't save himself.  
The horrifying bodies filling Meday...some of them giving up, probably leaving in the next days..no chance to save them, since the help had arrived too late....  
He had found himself all day trapped in his own memories: standing in front of a cave, breathing too fast, whole body aching, tears not coming from his eyes, because he lost them long ago, but the heartbreaking desperation making them ache the very same way...small bodies on the ground...and he was out of ideas to help, out of energy to do something, to keep going, keep fighting, keep the others going...  
He had been locked into his own personal Hell, by not being able to do anything. He hadn't had a chance to ditch...his existence onto someone else and not relive all this horror. 

As soon as his shift had ended, Jim had been running away from the chair, his collegaues, his tasks, the whole day, hoping for a break.  
He had spent the afternoon to check everything, from transporters to Sulu's plants and the watering system over them, from cables in secondary systems to the stores. Every store of their ship. Jim had found some peace with those finally, concentrating on the work to be done perfectly. But then he had had to be the very one to find one item missing after two blissful hours of staring at endless lists, and filling his mind with something else than his past.  
It hadn't been very nice.  
And then he had spent two more hours with searching, relentlessly, all over the ship after that item. Only to finally get a mildly interested Spock poking his nose into Jim's things, when the captain had run through the labs, during his search, and had disturbed some experience of the Vulcan. After that his first officer had felt the urge to join him and it had been impossible to convince him about the opposite.  
Jim had been a mess by the time the attentive (naturally the special Spock-style version) and intentionally not-annoying (shocking surprise) sidekick had pointed out that the item they had been looking for never had gone missing. The nurses only had forgotten to sign the transport into the store's list too, when they had moved the item to Medbay.  
And originally the item had been a giant box of medical regenerators. And Jim had seen some of them (many of them) in use when Bones had done his best to heal the injured members of the crew as fast as possible, after the totally messed-up pilot flight of Sulu's new move. 

After that revelation Jim had simply left. He hadn't even said at least a goodbye to Spock, or anything. He'd just turned and walked away.  
He hadn't even minded that much that the Vulcan had followed him in silence to his door and waited until Jim had walked in. 

And after that...he had sat on his couch, staring out to the stars, emptiness and horror dancing in him for a crazy rhytm he couldn't understand. After some time he'd started to pour glass after glass for himself, but he hadn't devoured them like a lost alcoholic, had kept it simple by sipping...just without a stop.  
His thoughts had started to wander far-far away from him. But he couldn't fight back. And he hadn't wished to do so. 

Well...Sulu at least would get a nice award for his discovery about not just only stabilizing the unsteady Theiviviel-waves but at once finding a way to use them in practice too. And he would probably share his glory with Chekov, who totally deserved it.  
Right. Yeah. Good for them.  
He hadn't got anything from Starfleet, so there had been no reprimand for him for his recklessness, but how many crewmembers had ended up with injuries because of him hadn't left his mind.

He only had wished for distraction. He'd wanted to do something! To fulfill his mind and the alarming darkness in his heart.  
After that day he had been a lot more careful. Mostly he had done exercises, insane amount of them, until his muscles had felt like they burned into a new element.  
Maybe he should have done that with his free time this afternoon too. 

His mind started it's meanderings again. Why all of this had happened to him to his ship, to his crew? So many things he could press into the deepest, darkest, almost-forgotten parts of his mind, burying them there, never letting them back. His own death was there too! He would never let these memories taint his life. He could go on like this forever!  
But now those people were ruining his carefully built-up......life.  
How could this happen? Had his power been only a lie during all this time? A lie about having control?  
Tarsus....He couldn't close his eyes these days without having flashbacks...Feeling all the hunger, the pain, the hopelessness, not having an idea about how he would he live through another day. And watching the others around himself....  
But he had saved others! And he had done his damnedest to save even more! He had tried!! He had tried it, when others hadn't done anything for those victims!  
Yes, he had been a victim too, but he had made himself something else, something more! And he had made it out alive! And since then he had gone so far, had done so much!  
This had to count!  
Had to!!!

Then he remembered Bones's face from earlier, searching for worrying signs. No. No, not searching. Bones already had seen enough.

But how was he supposed to go on without a blink?  
He had done all the crazy stunts these days because he couldn't do a thing for those pathetic, barely-living things down at Medbay! 

Tarsus, and everything else, all the horror, all the pain, all the total defeat of not being able to help, all of his weakness and helplessness and not-being-enough and never having someone to stand next to him and save the day – it all came down crashing in that moment.  
He had been running from this during all his life!  
He had run away from it all to space! Had made it to the chair of a captain! To defeat his weakness and his fear to never be more than that! He'd wanted to be more, he'd wanted to be powerful, he'd wanted to be able to do important things, he'd wanted to be surrounded with help, with others who might be understanding and wishing for the same things, he'd wanted to make a difference!  
He had wished to see more from the world and find it....worthy enough to be wished to live in! He had traveled through space to see that, all in all, the universe could be good. Or if not good then...valuable...mesmerizing......filled with enough wonders next to tragedies to make balance.  
He had done everything to find something to grab onto and say „for that I will try, I will keep going, because that's worth it!” and he had hoped that that very thing would be enough to make him find himself one day...worthy as well. A thing which could justify his not-giving-up.

But right in that moment Jim shook with a sudden epiphany filling his mind.  
He screamed, so loud it hurt his own ears and when he smacked down his fist to the table, the forgotten glass in it exploded into a million shards. Jim screamed again, in pain, when the glass shredded his skin and jumped to his feet.  
He gasped, stared at the blood on his hands (it's yours, it's yours, yeah, blood-on-your-hand, nicely dramatic parallel, but that's only yours!!) then stared at his hazy, weak reflection on the glass in front of him with pure horror.  
A hazy image and blackness behind...emptiness...emptiness...emptiness....  
He gulped and fought back tears.  
The epiphany had came and gone in a heartbeat, but Jim could feel what it had created and left behind in him.  
The thought had existed in him already, it had been there for a long time already, but always hidden, always wrapped up, always buried.  
That had ended with Jim's painful scream once and for all.  
The thought uncurled, tried out it's claws on Jim and filled the gasping captain with a cold, diamondhard, sour, unshakeable feeling. Because it was true, a stable fact, invincible with it's unquestionable base, which left no place for forming opinions and was too strong to be argued with, to covered with comforting lies.  
And it hurt like Hell.  
Because Jim had to see, finally, that he could do anything, he could be anything, he could lead the best crew, be the captain of the best ship, he could travel through space and see impossible things happening, he could fight so many battles and he could save so much – but there was a chance still, that maybe all of that would not be enough.  
And maybe, not even after a liftetime of service for the greater good, not after really reaching his limits and trying his best to go over them, he would find himself worthy.  
And maybe he would never find peace. There was a goddamn good chance that he, James T. Kirk would never be enough to make a difference. For real.  
Maybe for others his actions were amazing, but for his soul it was a whole diffrent thing. And at the end of the day wouldn't that be the thing that truly matter?  
Jim tried to take a few huge breaths, but his heart could not stop racing.  
Pike -a lifetime ago- had dared him to do better than his father. Well...Jim could not say that he could still see this whole mess a good thing, better then his father's heroic decision. And besides...had that decision been truly so great? Worthy to be followed? Yeah, Jim and many other people had survived Nero's madness. Yaaay! But after that...? Jim honestly couldn't call his life that awesome.  
Tarsus...  
His family falling apart...  
All the crazy things he had done as a kid...  
Yeah, they had survived and all that had costed had been his father's life.  
And maybe Jim's too?  
Once, and only once Jim had had the courage to ask Spock from the other timeline about Tarsus. It had happened there too. But that other Jim Kirk had had his family, and as the old Vulcan had said on Delta Vega, Jim's father had been there, happily and proudly, when the other Jim had been promoted captain....  
Life was different for Jim, not matter what others said, he was sure about this. 

Maybe he had saved a few kids from Tarsus, including himself. But there had been so many others...  
He had done his best to save the Vulcan, but had failed...Some had survived, billions had not. Had tried to stop Khan, had died to save his ship...and thousands from San Francisco hadn't made it out alive.  
In the great picture Jim started to see that even the best from him had been close to nothing. 

The truth was that he had run from his fear up into the stars, but up here he was the same and his fear was a fact, which he had denied for too long.

There was nothing to protect him from this anymore. No reason to blindfold himself more. 

'I can deny this as long as I want...But the truth will stay the truth...'

Maybe Spock Prime was wrong too. Maybe this version of the timeline was much more different than he could've known and this Jim Kirk was a lost cause, one who shouldn't have made it up to the Enterprise ever. 

And all the pain, all the doubts, all his failures which now filled his mind and he had no way out, trapped in his quarters, slowly slipped into place.  
He was sure that this was the way how he should have seen things even earlier. 

Maybe everything would have been better, if somehow he would have been the one to die when Nero had arrived. 

Maybe this timeline should have been without a Jim Kirk. 

And this broke his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't think it will disappear. It won't. That's not how these things work and certainly not how the -human- mind (or soul, if you please) work.  
> Yes! You survived! Yes, you did it, you made it out alive. It's over. Yes, that's true! And you can deal with it. Get over. Go on with your life.  
> And. That. Is. How. It. Should. Be.  
> But if one day something brings back the memories, maybe something small not even really alike all the horror you endured...the tigger will do it's job and you will understand that yes, it can still have effects on you. (Even cutting out all of your parts under the past's influence to claim: I am free from all of that now, fuck you! - Then there will be the scars and the empty places of your missing bits...)  
> And of course it's messed up.  
> But this....all this confusing and messy and sometimes painful thing...all of this won't ever mean that you are weak.


	7. Dance with me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Important questions, important answers

A really good way to shake off negative feelings was a good old-fashioned diplomatic mission. Enjoyable and important. Perfect combination.   
Prayaella was a lovely planet. The people there...amazingly intelligent, knowing their small but powerful world's worth perfectly well, so they were proud with actual reason. And always polite.   
It was like meeting with absolutely better-at-everything (and purple-white), beautiful, super-smart and quite kind people. Well, kind in a little bit distant and cool way. But welcoming and communicative anyway.   
So, Jim talked with the group showing them around for...approximately six hours, never getting tired of it, non-stop showing his enthusiasm with a huge grin, surprising the leader, Mohala Dwenjawhik with his brain again and again. Even with their small arrogance resurfacing from time to time, he really started to like these guys.   
A perfect distraction they truly were.   
Spock, two member from the science department, six from engineering, and three from security followed their captain and the six phaeillas around patiently.   
For all the six hours. 

But, after all, Mohala wasn't part of the welcoming group for nothing.   
In the evening, they found themselves being led to a quite grandiose...castle? Ballroom???  
The giant glassdome was absolutely a fitting choice to end the day.   
Perfect view (most of the capitol with it's mesmerizing night-time-light-concert), a bit overdone work of lighting (Jim gave up counting the chandeliers after forty), a menu obviously planned and made to impress them (collected from the twelve nearby systems' best markets and put together to be more a colourful work of art than a meal), absolutely alien but lovely, quite hypnotic music, and a crowd of...maybe a thousand people?   
Mohala just couldn't hide a small smirk after tehir entrance, watching their faces. Especially Jim's.   
There she just nodded, and left them, only to be surrounded and welcomed by many, many other phaeillas.  
And then the ceremony's opening started.   
Three hours later, when it ended, Jim was a tiny bit less enthusiastic. The „important people” here loved to talk, it was painfully clear now. The almost thirty speakers had to be respected seriousy here (or everyone on this planet shared the same, totally arrogant point of view about their planet and themselves), because the huge crowd stood and listened to them in perfect silence through the whole time.   
Now the landing party was perfectly well-informed about how the Federation needed Prayaella and how gracious they were to cooperate. And how beautiful, strong, rich, respectable and noble this planet's whole being was with everything -and everyone- on it.   
So, after they ate some and did the obligatory chitchat (another three hours), Jim desperately needed a little break.   
He was lucky. As more and more people started to dance, he found an area with mostly empty tables and chairs, the dancing pairs separating it from the main part of the place.   
Jim sat down with a small huff, and did his best to show some interest in watching the dance, painting a polite smile up on his face – instead of hopelessly burying his face into his hands.   
But. With all the diplomatic tasks. With all the forced smiles. With all the exhaustion after enduring arrogance's endless praises aimed to make itself shine brighter...This day was heaven, a true sanctuary for his mind. 

So it wasn't that hard to watch the dancing people in the wonderful, beautifully coloured clothes swirl in the huge space in front of him.   
Maybe he let his mind wander a bit too far away thanks to them, so he nearly jumped out from his chair, when he realized that a phaeilla was standing right next to him, watching him with a quite amused expression, not showing any signs of leaving him soon. 

\- Uhm...hello...excuse me...I mean..I mean...I hope I didn't occupy your seat, I didn't....I don't know where I can go or not or anything – he said, then mentally kicked himself, and quickly stood up.  
\- Sorry, I mean I hope I didn't cause any problem to you, I am James T Kirk, Captain of the Enterprise, delegate of the...   
\- The Federation, yes, I know, Captain – cut in a surprisingly kind, warm and amused voice – I guess all my people know you and your team, on the whole planet. It's not a common event here to have a chance to impress the Federation, so you made the Higher Circle plan out your visit's program months ago! We lived like a hive, getting ready for action, through the passing time. A quite excited hive, I must add.   
\- I see – murmured Jim, trying to hide his shock. The way the young female talked to him was nothing like the others did. So it was a difficult task to figure out an intelligent and fitting and diplomatically acceptable reaction.   
\- I think it's me who should introduce herself – said the phaeilla with a sharp, but not unkind smile – I am Twyanar wa Lyrinner, priestess of the Seven Dark Guards.   
And that finally shook out Jim from his confusion and he bowed down with his best official movement. At least it helped to hide his utter shock.  
He honestly couldn't remember all the information about the phaeillas' extremely complicated religion-system. But they had been informed before even arriving close to the system that it was nothing the phaeillas would talk about, especially with them, because it was something deeply personal for these people. The landing party would not even see or get close to their sacred places.  
So it wasn't that much of a problem that they didn't know much about the system, all in all.   
Here and now Jim could remember a few things nonetheless, from his quick running-through-the-not-necessary-deatils from a few days before.   
Mostly that the young female in front of him, talking to him like they were both first year cadets, meeting in the middle of the party or during a break at the Academy, was one of the most powerful beings on the planet. A creature respected by everyone, her opinion meaning a lot in the making of important decisions, existing somehow beyond society's system.   
\- It is a giant honour for me to have this chance and meet with you, Pristess... - he started as polietly and officially as he could.   
\- Oh, please, stop! Let's leave the formalities behind, for my sake! - the priestess said nearly laughing – I couldn't have a normal conversation in the last two thousand years! My title keeps me secluded from my people, they think about me like I am some kind of an ethereal being, and not one of them. Quite boring and lonely life to live, I admit. Freedom or not, sometimes it's annoying beyond imagination. I would love to finally talk with somebody for real – and this time the almost-black eyes shined with mirth.   
\- Of course! Anything you wish for! I am happy to serve you with my talking – Jim answered freely, with his own joyful smile, completely leving behind the official etiquette and slipping back into himself.   
\- Thank you! - answered a wide smile – And just call me Wya, please.  
\- Jim!  
\- It's a joy to have you and your team here, Jim – said Wya honestly - Our planet's role as a leader or idol for the other systems around made us forget about how insignificant we are for real in the endless length of space. Our pedestal makes us forget that we aren't that high above others. And makes us rigid and cold – she grimaced a little - A mistake, which even we couldn't prevent, sadly. I mean everyone from the religious part of our existence. Surprising that Prayaella is only a planet, not even a system, and we have so much power and such a disillusioning mistake as well, right?  
\- I think it's understandable, to be honest – said Jim with a respectful tone – As I remember, Prayaella is, just like Earth, a survivor of it's own, not really peaceful past. Overcoming so many horrible happenings and then building up such a miracle is an enormous task. It should be respected. I can imagine how complicated it could be! A really hard work. Many, many things to pay attention to. I can understand how pride grow so powerful and big here after all of that, and if maybe it's a little bit....too much nowadays...Well....You see I can just imagine that your people didn't really have the time or energy to meditate and pay attention to have a balanced soul next to everything else.   
Wya, shocking Jim again, just snorted at that.  
\- You are absolutely right, Jim! It's a quite embarassing thing to me, personally, how well you can see my people. For me, understanding them was such an almost-impossible task that I needed almost four thousand years to complete it!  
And then, seeing the face of Jim at that, she started laughing, loud and honest.   
\- Let me guess. All the things we let you know about us....didn't included how big differences there are between the lifespans of one caste or another. Right?  
\- No...I think it didn't – choked out Jim, desperatey trying to school his expression, remembering now how Wya mentioned the 'last two thousand years' earlier. He had thought it had been just a phrase.   
\- I am sorry for laughing so loudly at your surprise – Wya said, fighting back a smile still.   
\- No, no..It's just...Well...Please forgive me if I overstep certain boundaries, but you look...astonishing for someone existing in this world after thousands of years. I mean, in a human's eyes, naturally.  
\- Oh....Compliment accepted, Captain! - smiled kindly Wya – I can understand this, by the way. Although it is a rarity to meet with people from other worlds, you and your crew aren't the first ones for me. I couldn't meet with delegations for a long time, because of our laws and traditions. But still, I know how unusal it is to have such an appearance like mine with my age.   
Jim could only nod at that, not really having a better answer.   
\- Would it be an even bigger surprise that, for example, I will only have children when I reach nine-thousand?  
And at that Jim could only choke out a 'what' and another laughing fit came.   
\- There aren't many roles to fill in our caste. And our tasks are done better by the same person through a long-long period of time. So us, existing for the religions, have a longer lifespan and a special way for keeping the family trees alive.  
\- I see. It must be difficult, from time to time, to live like that, even among your own people – Jim said quietly.  
\- It is. But there are good days, there is a good side, and sometimes knowing that I have so much time is a comfort for me. Keeps me calm – said Wya with a lot wiser voice and smile than anyone could have imagined her with.   
\- I can see your point – answered Jim.  
\- Well....will you dance with me or we will just stand here all night, captain? - asked the priestess suddenly, with a teasing smile.   
\- Oh, well, I don't really know the dances of yours, but I would love to learn! - answered Jim for the challenge.   
\- Then follow me, young one! - and with that, and a blinding smile, Wya simply caught his hand and dragged him into the imddle of the dancing crowd. 

 

All in all, Jim was sure that his evening could have been a lot worse. Wya was...beautiful, with his quite human appearance (just the lilac-purple skin with white smoke-like patterns, the perfectly snow-white hair and the black eyes broke the illusion) and lovely with her style of talking and thinking. She quickly taught Jim the movements, then simply took the lead, and they perfectly blended in after.   
So it was truly Jim's mistake to sometimes miss parts of the conversation, staring out to the city's lights.   
\- So, afterall, with all the time I already lived, and all my experience, it's safe to say that I couldn't not notice how sad you are, James T Kirk – said Wya suddenly, with an absolutely chatty tone, out of nowhere.  
Jim almost stumbled into another couple thanks to that.  
\- Excuse me? - he whispered with a dry throat, after the collision was prevented. Thanks to Wya.  
\- I said I just coudn't not see the truth: you are sad. I don't know why, I only know it's an old pain of yours. Didn't started today or yesterday – told a matter-of-factly voice.   
\- It's...nothing, really – he choked out again.  
\- Really? - Wya had really...talkative eyebrows. One just told him the lie he tried was pathetic.  
\- I just don't want to burden anyone with it. It is a complicated situation. I cannot find the solution. But I have to, and I think this is a task only for me – he tried again.  
\- But it tortures you. And a man like you, with a soul like yours should have found that 'soution' by now, I think. Come on, Jim! Tomorrow you will leave this place behind, so what tragedy some talk can cause? Even if I would tell about it to anyone, breaking my promise to keep it as a secret, if this is what you need, I already told you: no one talks with me here! So...what can you loose? Hm?   
And that was the moment when Jim made a huge mistake, and looked into Wya'a eyes. And staring into that open blackness, feeling honest compassion and warm kindness from it, he simply blurted out the truth:  
\- I fear that my life is worthless....  
Wya's eyes widened with shock.  
\- How can you say such a thing? You are a captain! That couldn't be real if you wouldn't worth a lot. We both know this! And I cannot see how a sad thought like that can fill a young one's mind, like you!  
\- I'm sorry, I know it is pathetic.. - he mumbled  
\- No, no! It's more like...alarming. Why do you feel that way? - and now the black eyes were searching, searching through his soul.   
\- It's just....A thought that I can't get rid of. Many sad memories resurfaced after a mission. We finished it, saved as many lives as it was possible. they are already in a space station of the Federation, they will get good care....But I can't shake all the things I started to.....see again – his voice got really quiet by the end, and now Wya looked honestly worried.  
\- From time to time we meet again with our past selves. I know that. It's true. But why is this past self of yours so...disturbed? 

Jim felt a huge wave of surprise. He hadn't thought about this that way. Was it his problem? It wasn't his past...but his past self, that destroyed him, slowly?

\- That...past self of mine....He had to endure a lot. Horrible things. Never really got...there wasn't a chance for revenge. Anything like....restitution...neither. My past self couldn't find peace. So he just tried his best to leave everything behind and get a life. Now I think I...or him....so, what we did...or try to do....You know, I think it was a wasted effort. It doesn't matter that I tried to run away. I ran up straight here, at the end. And it doesn't count. Nothing counts. I can try to say myself many things to...see things differently from my past, but....the truth is cruel. And this truth says that nothing I did really matters and running away didn't help.

He just couldn't believe that he said all that bullshit out loud. To someone he barely knew.   
But to his utter shock, Wya kept their dancing even, kept them moving, and didn't leave, didn't laugh, didn't look judging. She looked like someone concentrating on a difficult problem. She looked lost in her thoughts. 

And Jim, although he felt a terrible confusion for his confession, and a much more terrible shame for this, couldn't break the silence. 

\- I think....that you need a seriously different angle – answered Wya slowly.  
\- Excuse me?   
\- Jim, honestly, you never viewed your life as anything but running away? I mean...after those horrible happenins, you mentioned? - by this time, Wya's eyes for back on him with full force, searching, searching. This time it was creepy.   
\- I....just did it. Not thought about it! - he protested finally.   
\- Then I have to voice here my opinion. And I disagree.   
\- And...what would be your...point of view? - it was surprising, but Jim started to feel a real curiosity appearing in himself. Afterall....Wya was older than him, so she could have a different point of view rightfully. Who knows...?  
\- Maybe the start was...bad....but maybe everything coming afterwards wasn't running away. It was just your path. And then it is far-far away from being worthless! You reached high peaks already in your life, although you are really young. I think even among humans you are young. And who can say what waits for you in your future? Maybe...your path is a difficult one. But I cannot believe everything just happened, because you wanted to get away from something and you were running to somewhere different from your past. You don't seem to be for me a man who was formed by running and dodging difficulties. Men like you become...so interesting....with a reason. 

Jim took a huge breath. It wasn't pointless. Not at all. So what if....What if Wya was right? What if, even accidentally, his life had given itself value? Things had happened, but he had done his best to make out the best of everything.   
But was this enough? It never felt like that....

\- Why...it feels like something is wrong if my life is not a mistake or worthlessness? - he whispered.  
\- Something or more like many things formed your soul. Something caused your doubts to exist and have such power over you – came the answer quietly.   
\- And if I cannot find out what these were? I cannot get rid of them...right?   
\- I think there has to be a way for you to find your peace. I think you don't see it, but you deserve it, Jim. You truly deserve it.   
\- Do you have any idea...what I should do? - now it was he, who was searching desperately with his eyes.   
Oh, God, how childish he became! How he wished that Wya could have his answers and give them to him!   
\- Your life certainly wasn't just 'running away'. It built up itself. Maybe it wasn't easy or beautiful, but it happened. You have to find the part which is responsible for building up your doubts – Wya answered honestly, looking back with some sadness and understanding in her eyes.  
\- There could be many things – he said with his own sadness.   
\- I didn't say it will be easy. Your voyage will be difficult, just like how your life was. But I think you can do it. 

For a few minutes the only danced, stared into each other's eyes, in silence. Only the music, still mesmerizing and alien (for Jim) talked. 

\- Wya.....thank you.....  
\- It was nothing, but a honour and a joy for me, to talk with you so freely Jim. I wish for you to find a way to see your own worth and believe in it on day. 

**********************************

Later that night, long after the party finished, Jim was lying in his bed, eyes wide open, staring up at his roo's ceiling. The place where the phaeillas led them after the closing ceremony (luckily only one hour long....) was lovely.   
Perfect view again (some beautiful forest, the southern border of the capitol), comfortable, huge bed, the whoe room smelling like a flowerbed (probably thanks to the hundreds of flowers everywhere in it – Jim desperately hoped Ensign Nigoraya hadn't forgotten about her allergies and had her meds with her), but it wasn't something he wasted even one whole thought to. 

Only one sentence repeated itself in his mind again and again. 

 

'I wish for you to find a way to see your own worth and believe in it on day.'


End file.
